(DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, this blog is meant to be shared as a personal experience and reflection)

For most of my life, I can remember living in a constant state of stress. From about the age of 7 years old, I was always in a state of fight or flight. The cause was probably a number of different factors including my personality, my environment, certain traumas, you name it. This created an odd and unnecessary way of being. I believe that when we live a certain way for so long, we believe that way of living is the only way to go about our life.

At one point in my life, I confused a constantly stressed and overachieving lifestyle with “true success”. Growing up in Texas, you’re given the “no pain no gain” pep talk a lot…… while I value a good work ethic, I don’t agree with this statement. Before you come for me, let me explain why first! I think in society (especially American society) were given this idea that if we aren’t constantly stressed and working 9 hour days, then we aren’t truly living or succeeding in life. I used to swear by this belief, especially in school. I would dart from class to class, high on 50 milligrams of Adderall, stressing about making it to the next classroom before the bell rings. In fact it was such a thing that some of my high school friends would make jokes about it. I would spend two hours a day at the gym, doing exercises I hated because I thought that it would make me hate my body less. I would deprive myself of food that I wanted because I thought it was the “right” thing to do. I figured that if I punished myself enough, I would eventually be the person that I wanted to be. I was completely at odds with myself in every sense. On top of all of this, I was constantly putting myself in high pressure , toxic social situations, when deep down I knew I was an introvert.

Without getting bogged down in the details, this pattern would continue well into my adult life, resulting in panic attacks, bloating, inflammation, puffy face, and broken out skin. I hated myself so much back then. (By the way, let me stress that this is by no means a call for pity, I highlight all of this because I CHOSE IT. I chose to be at war with myself. Sometimes we choose our own prisons.)This went on until my cancer diagnosis at 23. By that point, I had a realization about how I was living my life and I vowed to change. I started the process by weaning myself off of my ADHD medication, that which i had been prescribed since 11 years old.

After my tumor surgery, I was forced to sit around my house for a couple of weeks. To my surprise, the forced sabbatical caused me to gain a connection with myself that I hadn’t been able to attain before. I saw my anxiety subside and all of my physical symptoms go away with it. For the first time in my life, I felt comfortable in my body. Unfortunately, I would lose this soon after, only to experience it again to a greater effect during COVID quarantine in 2020. While everyone was freaking out about being locked inside their homes, I was having the time of my life sitting around my living room and reading every book I could find (I will note my privilege here, many people suffered job insecurity during COVID). To boot, I slowly started to understand the missing link between my nervous system and my mind.

My two year span on the island of Oahu further solidified my connection to my nervous system and my intuition. When I wasn’t working or in evening classes, I was going on walks, doing yoga, meditating, surfing, skating and hiking. I started wood-working, painting, participating in forest work days, making collages and eating communal meals with friends. I focused less on things like high intensity exercise, strict dieting, etc. and more on following what felt good for me. I was utterly shocked to find that putting less stress on myself allowed me to not only have the body i’ve always wanted with “less effort”, but I also attracted opportunities that I had dreamed about. I truly believed that these opportunities wouldn’t have made their way into my life if I hadn’t changed myself. Its wild what can happen when you find a flow that works for you. Some people might read this blog post and think that I sound lazy and unproductive. But I will remind you that during this time in my life I was a full time graduate student and worked part-time for a surf magazine on the other side of the island. I still had goals, I was just kinder to myself. I finally got off what felt like a never-ending hamster wheel of impossible societal expectations.

I felt compelled to share this experience because it’s what works for me and it has changed my life. This outlook does not mean that I don’t have goals or that I don’t believe in vigorously chasing your dreams. I am an incredibly ambitious person, I always have been and always will be. I believe in hard work, I just don’t believe that you should have to sacrifice your health and well-being to achieve it. I also realize that there are many people in the world who cannot afford to slow down for a number of reasons. It is unfortunately a privilege in this world to be able to stop and take a deep breath, even though it shouldn’t be. But who knows, maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who can afford to slow down just a little bit. If you are one of those people, you should be grateful than you can. Hug that free-time like its your best friend. I had a lot of fun writing this tonight. Until next time.

Love,

Blake