It was the summer of 2011, after my freshman year of high-school. My dad, brother and I were en route to go to Europe for two weeks. My 15 year-old self was ecstatic about going out of the country for the first time. However, as I was entering the middle of my teenage years, the question of my identity kept bubbling up internally. I had probably known about my sexual orientation earlier on, but somehow i had been able to elude confronting these thoughts and feelings for a number of years. Let me tell you, there is nothing like a 9 hour international flight to keep you alone and trapped with your thoughts. I spent the majority of the flight agonizing over the growing realization that I was in fact gay. The only break I got was hearing my brother (who sat in the middle seat) crack jokes to me about the horribly smelly man sitting on the aisle seat. Thank god for funny older brothers.

When we landed at Charles De Gaulle Airport in Paris, I experienced a momentary break from the existential thoughts about my sexual identity. However, this didn’t last long. After we checked into the hotel, the thoughts came back in full force, now coupled with the fact that I was in a foreign country, surrounded by a language I didn’t understand. To make maters worse, I felt this immense guilt over keeping these thoughts to my self. It killed me on the inside to know that my dad and brother had no idea what I was going through.

As Jordan and my dad went to go explore the city, I feigned jet lag so that I could stay in the room. I laid in the hotel room for an couple hours, crying with a pillow on top of my head and pleading for the thoughts to go away. Eventually my brother came back into the room and I immediately put on the facade again. This time, I figured it would be best to go visit my dad in his room. As soon as I got there, m dad was on his bed, flipping through the TV channels. I sat down next to him, and felt the weight and pain of all of the feelings I was keeping trapped inside of me. With what felt like no other choice, I looked at my dad and yelled, “Dad, I think i’m gay and i’m terrified”. I immediately burst into tears as he held me and told me that everything was going to be ok. “Lets go for a walk,” he said. He walked with me around the city for hours, explaining to me that i’m safe and that being gay is nothing to be ashamed of. I was amazed at how safe I felt. To my amazement, the pain in my body and pressure of intrusive thoughts had magically disappeared. At this point in my life, I chose to keep this conversation and realization private. I had no desire to claim any kind of identity at 15 years old. I felt it was best to wait and see how I felt in the future. Nevertheless, I was very proud of how brave I had been in this moment. I was even able to finally enjoy my trip afterwards.

Experiences like this one have made me realize why it’s so important to speak the truth of how you feel. It’s so much more than sharing intimate details with other people. Sharing your feelings can save your life in a number of different ways, no matter what those feelings are. Our body is like this compass that’s always pointing us in the right direction, we just have to listen and be brave enough to act. I will always strive to tell the truth in the best way that I can.

Love, Blake