Please read the previous post before reading this, if you haven’t already https://blakeeverettcrawford.com/2024/07/10/my-initial-coming-out-story-why-speaking-your-truth-can-save-your-life/

After my initial coming out to my father, I spent the rest of our two week European excursion in relative peace. I had done something brave. I discovered the power of speaking my truth and the freedom I could gain from being vulnerable. This act was powerful, as I could feel years of stuck energy leave my body. A moment of great growth and somatic peace had overcome me. The rest of the trip was spent darting on trains to different countries, eating delicious food, and meeting up with my sister in Rome for a week of non-stop partying. I even received my first kiss ever from a 21 year old girl while in Rome (it was sprung on me), it was slobbery and unpleasant (lol). The end of the trip saw me, my siblings and my father on a flight back to Texas.

Unfortunately… the uncomfortable thoughts came back as soon as I landed back in Dallas. The idea that I had shared something so gut wrenchingly vulnerable was weighing heavily on my conscience. It became hard to exist in everyday life with this giant realization looming over me. I can never put my finger on ‘why’ it felt like such a big deal. I think in hindsight, growing up in Texas culture embedded a level of homophobia inside me that I wouldn’t be rid of overnight. It was like I stepped over a threshold I felt I couldn’t come back from. A tennis player at the time, I even found practices and tournaments so unbearable that I would feign being “sick” to get out of training with my coach.

I had to do something about it. The next step was to tell my mother, then I would be out of the woods, I thought. That afternoon, I tearfully shared with my mom the possible realizations of my sexuality. To my surprise, she embraced me. Though a bit more panicked than my dad, I could tell her intentions were in the right place. Still, these uncomfortable feelings persisted and I realized I just had to ride them out. Days were spent feeling like I was in a fever dream. I flunked tennis team tryouts and chose to leave the sport after seven years of playing. I even reached a point where getting out of bed and facing the world felt like a nightmare. Still, I have such good memories from this summer. My sister and I played chess almost every single day and watched every season of the show Weeds to pass the time. It felt like the most effective antidote to what I was going through. At this point, my (divorced) parents were so supportive of me that my mother even offered to send me to a boarding school in Austin (I had expressed discomfort and feared for my potential safety attending the current school I was at, due to the neighborhood’s highly conservative culture). Honestly though, this massive display of support and care from both of my parents made me feel so safe and seen that ultimately, I stayed at my original high school.

When summer ended and sophomore year came into the scene, I decided to keep what I went through to myself. To be honest, I had processed so much that summer that it didn’t feel like anyone else’s business at the time. I had made the decision that I didn’t want to explore this side of myself until I was out of high school. Labeling myself NEVER felt right to me (We will get into that later). I was also only 15 years old with barely any life experience. I just wanted to get good grades, make friends and find my passions, thats it. Funny enough, even though I kept this aspect of myself secret from my peers, sharing it with my family didn’t make me feel guilty about keeping it to myself. It was my business and no one else’s. My four years at high school ended up being so pleasant that I couldn’t have even predicted it. Looking back, I believe that this was possible because of all that I processed that summer. That experience had given me the confidence just simply be.

This topic is a particularly difficult one to write about. Its not only vulnerable to share, but where I am now is such a different place than where I was then. I have such a different perspective on life now. I hope to share that with all who choose to read this.

Love,

Blake C