DISCLAIMER: I am not a mental or medical health professional. This is an opinion based blog series and should be treated as such.

Im not even sure how to jump into this topic because it feels simple, yet abstract. Obvious in logic, yet complicated in practical experience. For most of my life, i’ve felt like a human pinball. What I mean by that is I used to feel as if the world was out to get me. It felt as if I was too sensitive for those around me. Not strong enough, smart enough, etc. And I would LOOK for evidence of that, everywhere… automatically. I felt like a human pinball. You know, those machines you play in arcades (do those places still exist?). The ball gets shot around this wacky board thats behind glass. You’re constantly just trying to get it to go into the proper direction and 9 times out of 10, you miss. In the process, the ball gets hit, slammed and in about every different direction on the board. It’s at the complete mercy of a seemingly hostile and chaotic environment.

I guess for so much of my life (even though i’ve lived such a privileged life in many ways), i’ve lived in this partial scarcity mindset. I didn’t quite start embracing the “glass half full” analogy until maybe 20 years old? I would get glimpses and evidence of what I was capable of all throughout my 20’s. Transferring to my dream college at 19, coming out publicly as gay at 20 years old, beating cancer at 23 and graduating college the same week, even moving to O’ahu at 25. It always felt like the universe was giving me evidence of how life seemed to always work out, even if I didn’t always believe it. I definitely bought into seeing the silver lining, but there was still this part of me that had a deep distrust for people. I always felt that I could read people well, sense their intentions etc. And by “sensing” these intentions, I could somehow save myself from heartbreak, bad friendships, getting hurt. Well, heres the answer to that,…. I eventually realized that “sense” I had was complete bullshit. It was my own deep insecure beliefs about myself being projected onto other people and thrown back in my face. I was creating a reality that was causing distress to not only myself, but those around me. My desire to protect myself was causing me to feel chaotic, out of control and like a human pinball. I took everything personally, I would blame certain people in my life for my own unhappiness. I wasn’t taking proper accountability for the part that I had played in certain dynamics and I was giving my power away. The most interesting part of it all, is this belief system seemed to attract people into my life that operated on that same frequency. Although this wasn’t a defining characteristic of mine, I felt a bit too in “self-pity” for my own comfort. And truthfully, i’m not moved by self-pity. A key portion of my worth was dependent on validation from others, which is frankly dangerous in my opinion.

Anyways, toward the end of my 20’s (im 29 now), I started to become consciously aware of the idea that people tend to mirror back at us certain insecurities that we could stand to heal or work on. This worked SO well for me. Because it felt so empowering compared to blaming others constantly for my problems. It all of the suddenly felt like my surrounding world was this extra tool that would mirror back my own internal beliefs. Over the course of 2024 I entered a deep journaling and EFT practice. I was reluctant at first, but nevertheless, I stayed (and still do) dedicated to this practice, so that I could see what would shift in my life. I focused on topics such as cultivating self-love, positive mindset, reframing limiting beliefs, forgiving myself, forgiving others. In about a years time, my entire environment changed and it still continues to change. At first, all of the people in my life who occupied it before, seemed to rapidly vacate it if they didn’t align with my new beliefs. That was terrifying, but then those people immediately got replaced by friends that inspire me and lift me up as a human. Even the way I viewed myself in a reflection started to change. I stopped scrutinizing certain features on my face and body, and I started to feel an immense amount of love and appreciation for myself. Its been really cool to exist in a way that feels so abundant. The best part is, whenever I have an interaction with someone that isn’t pleasant, I don’t take it personally anymore. We all are going through something that no one outside of us can fully understand or know. Its not our business. And if someone is truly “rude” or “unkind” to you, that still speaks to how they are to themselves internally.

Anyways, I felt the urge to share this reflection as soon as I could. I love you all so much. I wish you the happiest new year.

Love,

Blake C