(DISCLAIMER: I am not a certified medical or mental health professional, this blog is meant to be shared as a personal experience and reflection)

Im back! after taking a two-week long break from this. I’ve found that this blog has been equally daunting as it is fulfilling. Its like an emotional vaccine, and I feel that every post allows me to understand myself more and more. It’s been quite cathartic for me, and I hope that any who read these have felt seen or heard as well.

I have tried to write this post at least three different times. the first time, it was too late at night and it didn’t make any sense. The second time, I was on steroid medication for my sinuses and (shocker) the post read as “too angry”. This is my third attempt, and it will be my last.

I could write about this topic for ages, and I will probably explore it down the line in the future. This might trigger some people but I believe that it’s important to share. To be blunt, i’ve come to hate the idea of labels. For so much of my life i’ve looked to different labels, identities, archetypes, geographic places, characteristics, traits and even the opinions of others to define myself as a person and therefore give my ego the comfort that it needs. I believe that our egos are constantly looking to box, define, judge and make sense of everyone and everything in order to feel some sense of comfort. I will also add, that I am no exception. Im guilty of these actions toward myself and other people as well, its what we do as humans. All we can really do (in my opinion) is be self aware of it enough to be willing to change.

Before I go any further, I must also acknowledge the privilege that I have to even live in this way. The graces I have been given, the upbringing that I have. I acknowledge all of this before going any further and I reiterate that this blog is OPINION based. I never see my views as the general standard for all people, its always just my opinion based on my set of circumstances and my upbringing. We are all humans with drastically different backgrounds, upbringings and life experiences/perspectives.

I can only speak from my experience with this and not for anyone else. For most of my life, I have felt defined by a few different characteristics, one of them being my sexual identity, another one being mixed race in a neighborhood where that is seen as “rare”(and im sure theres countless more). Although I am VERY PROUD to be who I am, it becomes incredibly tiresome to explain yourself to someone. It also becomes tiresome to be defined by something as trivial as who you are attracted to or what you look like. Ive found that for this reason, i’ve tried on different identities at times in an effort to fit in (and probably out of shame for being different) rather than stick out like a sore thumb. I then get comfortable and shortly after, my comfort gets disrupted when I discover that the box i’ve put myself in is too small. I believe that we are always shifting and changing as humans. As someone who has lived in different parts of the United States, i’ve even found that I have different social qualities that come out of the woodworks in different geographic regions. This has also affected how I see myself. Its shown me time and time again that I contain a variety of different facets and layers. These complexities constantly showing me how vast I am, how vast we all probably are as humans. This is precisely why I get so triggered when I witness certain people being judged and boxed so harshly by others, especially when the judged are barely known by the one doing the judgement. Its the act of taking an entire human and reducing them down to a few sentences, based on surface level assumptions.

Something quite miraculous happened when I started consciously noticing all of this. It’s almost as if all of what I used to be defined by, seemed to evaporate in thin air. Who knows, but it seemed like once I stopped seeing myself as one-dimensional, other people’s projections stopped affecting me so deeply. Once I just accepted myself for all that I am and stopped clinging to one label, I was free’d from a self-made prison. I don’t believe that we can ever control how someone else sees us and I don’t think that its our business. But what I do believe without fail, is that how we see ourselves can have a huge effect on how we experience the world around us. I now have deep empathy for those who spend the majority of their time picking apart other’s lives, I mean… what does that say about them? It speaks volumes, I think. Frankly, it’s sad to think that someone would spend 90 percent of their time on this earth judging someone else.

I think that identifying too much as one particular label (with many exceptions of course) can be a double edged sword. What I mean by this is that it can sometimes go against all that makes us unique and stop us from evolving as humans. To be honest, I owe this perspective shift to many of the unique friends I made while on O’ahu. They showed me what it was like to be multifaceted and introduced me to so many parts of myself that had been conditioned to be locked away for decades. They showed me what it was like to be a true artist, someone who listens to their gut deeply and evolves accordingly. They also showed me that what I put out into the world, I get right back. Im forever grateful, because I carry those lessons with me everywhere that I go.

I choose to believe that I contain multitudes and I refuse to box myself. Even if I might not make sense to “you” or anyone else for that matter, thats not my responsibility and it won’t dictate how I choose to live my life. If you ever feel like you’re being undermined, boxed or stereotyped, I hope that you found this post interesting and insightful. It’s a topic that I wanted to broach but had hesitancy for, due to how tricky it can be to verbalize.

Love,

Blake C